ALABAMA IS A NO NONSENSE  STATE WHEN IT COMES TO DRIVING WHILE DUFUS

One day two men were driving while DUFUS through the state of Alabama.
They had come from Illinois where there is no DUFUS  law, and people were allowed to drive around with yellow foggy headlights. But they were in Alabama now and Alabama didn't play that. They had not long crossed the state line when they were pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walked up to the drivers side window and tapped on the glass. The Driver rolled down his window and asked the trooper if there was a problem? The Trooper asked him is he know he was DRIVING WHILE DUFUS? The driver looked a little perplexed and asked what that meant. The trooper asked the driver to step out of his car and took him to the front of the vehicle asked him to take a look at his head lights. The driver was still confused and asked " whats wrong with my head lights"?
The trooper sighed heavily and asked the driver to sit back in the car and begin to write out a DUFUS CITATION. The trooper handed the citation to the driver and asked him did he have any questions? The driver said NO and rolled up his window.
The trooper tapped on his window again and the driver rolled it down and asked what now? The trooper cold cocked him with a right cross that left him slumped over the wheel.
"THATS TO HELP YOU REMEMBER WE DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO DRIVING WHILE DUFUS IN ALABAMA" Then he walked to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window and motioned for the passenger to roll his window down.
The passenger had seen what the trooper had done to the driver but figured " He must have done something wrong and the Officer was probably going to ask him to drive the vehicle, so he did and the trooper cold cocked him too.
Stunned with disbelief the passenger cried out with tears in his eyes why did you do that. The trooper replied" Just making your wish come true.....I know once the two of you got down the road a little bit you would have looked at the
driver and said " I wish he had a tried that @$#%$# on me.
Besides:   FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DUFUS.

THE STATE OF ALABAMA    

 vs    BEN DOVER

CASE #101 DRIVING WHILE DUFUS

Ben Dover you are charged with DRIVING WHILE DUFUS how do you plea?
"Not guilty"
Officer will you present any evidence?
"Yes I will your honor".
Proceed.

As you can all see in this police video the sign clearly states "Dufus Driving prohibited".
Look at all these crystal clear Alabama headlight lens on these cars passing by.
Now look here.......Illinois plates.......cloudy foggy yellow lens....=....DRIVING WHILE DUFUS.
What is your defense Mr Dover?
"Whats he talking about?? Theres nothing wrong with my headlight lens"
We don`t take kindly to people misusing the insanity plea Mr Dover, are you trying to tell this court you can`t see whats wrong with the headlight lens on your car?
I drive that car every day in Illinois and the police have never stopped me!
Look around Mr. Dover ...... Does this look like Illinois to you?
The court finds you guilty as charged and the court also finds your vehicle unsafe to operate at night and a eyesore to others while driving during the day. The court is hereby impounding your vehicle.
The court orders that you attend a 12 step DUFUS program and to appear before this court at the end of before mentioned program. At that point the court will re-evaluate your case and make a final determination of your mental ability at that time.
The court also orders you to spend a night behind bars and pay a $200.00 DUFUS fine.
BALLIF!

DON`T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU,
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DRIVING WHILE DUFUS.

PITTMAN`S ORIGINAL ONE STEP AUTOMOTIVE LENS RESTORER
KEEPS YOUR LENS CRYSTAL CLEAR.

If you have a friend with yellow headlights Its your duty to tell them ....
FRIENDS DON`T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DUFUS

DUFUS BILL BECOMES LAW IN 48 STATES

ILLINOIS PREPARES TO SUCCEED FROM THE UNION

The news sent shock waves across the nation as the DUFUS BILL gained steam in the house and became law.
Illinois congressmen and senators were strongest opposition to the bill becoming law.
" Illinois is a free state and we have a right to drive any thing we want" shouted one Illinois senator as he was
ejected from the senate room floor.
A fight broke out between several law makers as the capital police begin to ticket vehicles.
A senator from Oklahoma who had sympathised with Illinois found his car being towed away as he left the senate
building.
Senator Rush from Illinois stood atop of his car which was attached to the back of a tow truck with several tickets on
it and shouted " We are at war!"
Several members of his own party quickly tackled him after that statement. " We don`t want this to become another
Vietnam" shouted senator Holmes from Illinois.
One congress man jumped in his vehicle and refused to get out even after the tow truck had hooked up to
it............He begin to encourage other senators to do the same saying " They can`t tow the car away with us in
them"..............True they couldn't........ So they Ta sered him with 300,000 volts extracted him from his vehicle and
put him in a paddy wagon.
This was all the other lawmakers needed to see. They quickly abandoned their efforts to stop progress and
accepted the fact that times had changes and driving around in a HOOPTIE with foggy yellow head lights was a
thing of the past.

WELL ALMOST EVERYONE....Illinois was not about to give in to what it felt was an "Elitist law" and decided to
create a state holiday in which people would compete to see who had the yellowest cloudiest foggiest headlights
with games and prizes... It would be called:
DUFUS DAY.*************************************

DUFUS LAW NOW ACTIVE IN 48 STATES MINUS Illinois*****
If you`ve got yellow headlight lens you can clear them up fast with ***************
Pittman`s Original Automotive liquid lens restorer............It works in seconds.
Remember FRIENDS DON`T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DUFUS.

POLICE IN NEW YORK ADOPT NEW TECHNIQUES FOR DEALING WITH
DUFUS DRIVERS

Cloudy yellow headlights have become a national problem,
Car makers are balking at the responsibility and insisting owners of such vehicles should replace them with one of their newer models.  Ford denies any responsibility in contributing to the problem claiming " quality is job one".
Psychiatrists believe there is a mental phenomena taking place within individuals who insist upon driving these HOOPTIES. The police decided it was best to develop a tactical approach to dealing with DUFUS drivers

NOTICE HANDED OUT AT ROLL CALL
1. REMEMBER THE DUFUS DRIVER IS VERY EXCITABLE.
Do not confuse him by saying things like: Do you have a drivers license?

2. THE DUFUS DRIVER WILL BECOME DISORIENTED IF YOU ASK HIM WHERE HE IS GOING. Don't ask, you already know he's going to jail.

3. THE DUFUS DRIVER IS VERY UNPREDICTABLE.
Do not expect the DUFUS DRIVER  to come along quietly. Keep control of the situation by offering him  a cigarette or gummy bear. When he reaches for it handcuff him and help him to the ground.

4. MOST DUFUS DRIVERS KNOW THEIR RIGHTS.
Do not waste time trying to communicate with the DUFUS. Extract the car keys from the DUFUS and secure the DUFUS in the rear of the patrol car.

5. A DUFUS CAN BECOME IRRITABLE IF HE FEELS HE IS TRAPPED. Zap him with a 300k volt stun gun a couple of times to help calm his nerves.

6. MOST DUFUS DRIVERS DON'T HAVE AUTO INSURANCE. If driver cannot produce valid insurance card call for tow truck and paddy wagon. Car is to be crushed DUFUS  to be incarcerated.

7. ALL DUFUS DRIVERS HAVE REASON TO LIE. Do not engage in small talk with the DUFUS as he is generally incapable of  making a coherent sentences. Ultimately they will claim they were on their way to get the car fixed.

8. DUFUS DRIVERS WILL WANT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL. Don't let them, they will surely call other DUFUSES

9. THE DUFUS DRIVER CAN BE CRAFTY.  Pay particular attention to the older DUFUS drivers. If they attempt to engage you in conversation about his family, take that opportunity to help him calm his nerves again.

10. DRIVER  IS TO BE CHARGED UNDER THE DUFUS LAW act 101 OPERATING A VEHICLE UNDER DIMINISHED CAPACITY
SPECIFICALLY:    OPERATING A VEHICLE WITH FOGGY CLOUDED YELLOW HEADLIGHTS aka A HOOPTIE

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU !

Don't be a DUFUS driving a HOOPTIE get your automotive headlight lens crystal clear fast with: PITTMAN'S ORIGINAL ONE STEP AUTOMOTIVE LENS RESTORER

POLICE MAKE SEVERAL ARREST FOR DUFUS VIOLATIONS OUT
SIDE LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL

DUFUS LAW PROHIBITS THE OPERATION OF ANY VEHICLE WITH YELLOW CLOUDY HEADLIGHTS

LOS ANGLOS

Police set up a sting out side a local carwash just a block away form Mid town High.

Drivers were offered a free carwash for buying a gallon or more of gas Drivers lined up around the block and waited.

After buying their gasoline the drivers were given the option of the free carwash, provided their car could stand a vehical inspection for DUFUS violations.

Police waited to see which cars would pass on the car wash, Those that did were immediately pulled over.
9 out of 10 drivers were cited for DRIVING WHILE DUFUS and 3 were sited with the HOOPTIE ACT, a tow truck was called to take these vehicles to the crusher.

One driver tried to escape but his HOOPTIE stopped on him when he turned the corner at the end of the block to fast.

One Hooptie had children in the car so the department of children and family services was called in to take custody of the children while the driver was being booked for child endangerment.

Another HOOPTIE would not start after the driver drove it through the carwash. After several attempt to start the car the Police were alerted when the HOOPTIE caught fire.

One of the HOOPTIE drivers was from Illinois.
Police were at a loss as to how he had traveled across a dozen states without getting caught.
The Illinois driver defended his right to DRIVE DUFUS by claiming "It ain't no law against having foggy hazy yellow head lights where I come from". He was quickly charged with resisting arrest and attempting to incite a riot.

SENATOR EARL WARREN OF UTAH SAYS THE DUFUS LAW IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO MODERN MAN.
DRIVING AROUND IN A HOOPTIE WITH FOGGY YELLOW HAZED UP HEADLIGHT IS UN-AMERICAN.

NEWS FLASH....................ILLINOIS SECESSION FROM THE UNION IN PROTEST OF DUFUS BILL BECOMING FEDERAL LAW

DUFU§ CHECKS ANGERS LOCAL DUFU§E§

LAST NIGHT IN DOWN TOWN Chicago Illinois protesters gathered to protest the states recent adoption of the DUFUS ACT. Residents were divided on the impact of the Act that was already law in 47 states.
Some rebelled and swore to fight for their right to choose.
Others understood that things change and the good times were over.
Another group, who up till now had been silent, applauded the law and said Illinois was long overdue to adopt this law. A group calling themselves "Drivers United For US" Organized a convoy to travel across the country to New York. New York police warned the group not to attempt it.
New York does not play when it comes to DUFUS Drivers.
It has the record for citations written for DUFUS "VIOLATIONS". Its impound yard has a waiting list of HOOPTIES to be crushed.

The Groups leader "Demario Dejanae", was questioned by reporters:
Reporter: What are you trying to prove with this convoy to New York? Are you aware of the risks?

Demario: We're doing this for the Katrina people........

Reporter: How is this going to help the Katrina victims?

Demario: I..I.....I ...  All I know is, I don't have to explain nothing to you. And thats why were driving to New York, cause this is America and We know our rights.
We Have the right to operate our vehicles with foggy yellow hazed up headlights.

Reporters: Mr Dejanae, A large amount of vehicles in your convoy would be classified as Hoopties by New York law and would be immediately sent to the crusher. What are your feelings on that?

Demario: Huh?

Reporters: A large amount of vehicles in your convoy would be classified as Hoopties by New York law the driver would be arrested and the hooptie would be immediately sent to the crusher. Are the members of your group that committed to fighting this Act?

Demario: I got an Illinois license, Their laws don't apply to me.

Reporter: Thats not true Mr Dejanae, there are several thousands of cases on file of tourists who lost their cars to the crusher in other states. Are the members of the convoy aware of the risks involved including arrest and a $500.00 fine?
Demario: These are my people they will go where I go

Reporter: Thank you Mr. Dejanea.
Word of the risks spread rapidly though the forming convoy.
Some decided they would sit this one out, others decided to ride to the border before they turned back.
The ones who decided to go were the hard core, die hard rebels. Their headlights were brown with oxidation and they were proud. They numbered in the hundreds.

The convoy departed at 7 am this morning. By the time they arrived in indiana 15 of the Hooptes had stopped running. Indiana did not tolerate Hoopties either, They had heard the news reports of the convoy and were  waiting at the Illinois Indiana state border with a fleet of tow trucks.

Stopping at the state line Demario stood atop his Hooptie and encouraged the convoy to continue foward.
The chaos that followed was remnant of a Matthew Brady civil war picture.
There was a line of Hoopties that went five blocks across the state line into Indiana.
None of them were moving nor did they have drivers in them.
Dozens of hoods were up, It looks to have been 20 or 30 flat tires.
The air was filled with the smell and smoke of boiling 5/95 mixture anti-freeze and water.

30 or more vehicles were leaking oil so bad that the engines froze up in half of them and the rest just stopped running and would not start back up.
Another 90 to 100 slid in the oil drenched streets and collided with light poles, mail boxes and other stationary objects lining the streets including hundreds of parked cars.

Police began to Arrest the drivers as many of them abandoned their hoopties and attempted to flee to safety across the state line. Tow trucks were called into clear the streets of abandoned hoopties.

They were surprised to see that dozens of them had run out of gas. They soon discovered that all the cars had gas leaks and there was a trail of gas that ran along side the trail of oil that crossed the state line.  Just as the Fire Marshall was called in to make an evaluation, one of the hoopties in the convoy backfired. The inferno raged for hours.
In the confusion Demario Dejanae disappeared. His car was located in his garage later that afternoon. His twin brother Dejario Dejanae spoke with reporters through a closed door and assured us that his brother was on his way to Indiana with a small  group of a 75 to a hundred hoopties that survived the march across the border.

He assured us that his brother would not be turned around because he was doing this for the Katrina people.

When pressed as to "how this would help the Katrina victims"? Dejario closed the shade and refused to respond.

Indiana State police did confirm a small contingency of a dozen or more vehicles did survive the inferno and were crossing Indiana headed east.
A trail of transmission fluid lead to 35 vehicles stopped at various points on the side of the highway.

Another trail of brake fluid lead to 15 different crash sites.
A trail of nuts and bolts and other vehicle parts lead to a rest stop were State police arrested two hooptie drivers for littering on the state highway.

Police knew it would be getting dark soon and none of the hoopties with those fogged up clouded headlights could operate on the highway and night so they decided wait until morning to finish picking up the remainder of hoopties they were sure to find sitting on the side of the road.
To their surprise the hoopties traveled all night and made it out of Indiana by morning.

It was the state of Ohio's problem now.

Federal agents raided Bidville cafe today after reports of conspireses to
incite riots.
Several Moderators were handcuffed and escorted out of the cafe.
Reporter Eyewrshp HisShadO was on the scene and captured the whole incident on mpeg.
The parking lot behind the cafe yielded the most telling evidence.
47 HOOPTIES were parked in the reserved parking for Moderators only.
every last one of them was in violation of the DUFUS LAW AND THE HOOPTIE AMMENDMENT.
Tow trucks were called in as HOOPTIE after HOOPTIE was ticketed and towed.
Moderator after moderator broked down and cried.  
One moderator sneaked  out a side door and ran to his HOOPTIE. We could see he had a small glass vial in his hand. Fearing a chemical attack, Agents immediatly fell back.
The moderator ran up to his HOOPTIE and opened the glass vial and put a drop of a glowing bubbly red liquid on a paper towel and quickly rubbed it on his head light lens.
Stunned Agents could not believe their eyes, It appeared as if the moderator had replaced his head light lens.
His tail lights recieved the same treatment and offered the same effect.
The Moderator then got in his car and drove past the agents who were confused and unable to charge the moderator with the DUFUS LAW. Reporter Eywrshp HisShadO was able to photograph the glass vial as it laid in the moderators dash board. It was described as being filled with a glowing bubbly red liquid. It did not appear to have been used at all. The Moderator was stopped by local police at the end of the block where they had set up a DUFUS CHECK but they could not hold him.
A search of the other moderators produced a advertisement on the back of a match book.
On it was a picture of a little glass vial filled with a bubbly glowing red liquid.
Agents could not be certain if it was the same but they had their first clue.

AGENT SORWARSKI:
I never seen any thing like it. One minute there was a HOOPTIE sitting there and the next minute it turned into a Ford Taurus.

AGENT MELVILE:
I saw him when he first went for his pocket. My first concern was the safety of my fellow agents and I turned and ran to warn them, It all happened so fast.

SHARP SHOOTER MOONEY:
I Had a bead on the vial but Heck I didn't now what I was looking at. Who knew what it was. I didn't want to take any chances. It could have been Nitro.

LOCAL POLICE TOMSON:
We had no idea of the number of Moderators who were DUFUS CONNECTED. Were just shocked, that all I can say.

Community residents say its no mystery to them. They know what it was, However agents neglected to interview any residents. and the official description is unknown substance.

AGENT HANTOHAN :
questioned why would any one who had the ability to clear up their head light  
lens that fast, ride around with them clouded up like that?

RESIDENT WEB MASTER IBC34.COM answered him:
Because they DUFUS. EVERY BODY KNOWS

FRIENDS DON`T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DUFUS.

In memory of the 2004 Bidville power seller fiasco
It may be noted that these men arrived in what most states consider to be serial violation hoopties.
In those days the Dufus migration to Bidville was at its highest levels.
Bidville was meant to be an alternative to Ebay. The following story has become an urban legend.

No one has heard from them since   

It was the year of our lord 2004 the 14th day of the month of March. 

Ten Men dressed in black embarked on a quest to become power sellers on BIDVILLE.

The people told them It had never been done before." Power Sellers don`t last long here", the people told them.
They even showed them the ruins where others before them had tried and nothing remained but tumble weed and scorpions.
These men were not impressed, They had no fear.
They knew the only reason it hadn`t been done is because they hadn`t done it.
These were not ordinary salesmen they were super salesmen from the distant four corners of the earth. They came to BIDVILLE with powers and ability far beyond that of normal men.
Between them they had sold Ice to Eskimos, sand to Hawaians, Propane to the Saudis, Ice skates to Jamaicans, Sun tan lotion to Ethiopians, Fur coats to PETA, Chrysler 300s and IROC Zs to Mormons, road maps to NASA,
Polka classics to Alqiada and a complete State of the art BOSE home stereo system to The state School for the Deaf. No these were not ordinary men. Among salesmen they were kings...... They arrived at 1800 hours on the 14 of March in the year of our lord 2004. Like a Swat team, they accessed the situation and set up their stores in the places where they had optimal tactical advantage. They were prepared with every sales technique known to man.
THE HAWKER, THE BARKER, EMAIL, SNAIL MAIL, DISCOUNT DAYS, COUPONS, 50% OFF, 1 CENT SALES, SKY WRITERS, BLIMPS, CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS, OPEN MIKE NIGHT, PRIZES, GAMES, FREE GIVEAWAYS, TELE MARKETING, MUD WRESTLING, AN HOG CALLING.
No one on BIDVILLE had ever seen anything like them. These men were a sign of things to come! Their stores were like mega malls, their prices unbeatable The sky was the limit, the world would be sat at their feet...................

These ten men had never seen anything like BIDVILLE
Its going on four years now .....................And no one has heard from them since..........

BIDVILLE  THE BLACK HOLE OF THE DUFUS UNIVERSE